I'm piggy-backing a blog my friend wrote yesterday about Friendship:
Friendships take a lot of work! Back in the day when we were younger it didn't take so much maintenance. You didn't even really need a phone. All you needed was to share some minute details in common and you were good to go. It's not like that anymore. In fact, I've found that for me, it's a totally different approach and concept. The people that are closest to me, I mean super close - like closer than family - have only little things common with me. Now that I think about it, having a strong friendship is much like marriage. It requires commitment, honesty, and maintenance (lol). It's not so much about having everything in common that makes it work. A lot of times, we put a wall up in front of people that we recognize do not share our same interests or are apparently different from us (I'm guilty of this myself). It's not to say that you're better than them or anything, but more-so, it's just the fear of not being able to maintain a successful friendship because of those differences. I am currently in this predicament. I have been challenged to build a friendship with a person that I've known for a couple years now and for the longest I had been reluctant to engage myself in getting acquainted with them because I feared it would be awkward and unsuccessful because we were so different. I'm still in the learning fazes, but I've gotten a lot better. My outlook has changed. It's not that we share so much in common and are alike that builds and keeps a friendship successful. Instead, it's those simple human traits we all possess that longs to share and care for one another's concerns and such. It's not what can that person offer me seeing as though they're so different from me. It's what can I share with them that I recognize they don't have, likewise, what can they offer me that I don't have (not materially). Use those differences for the betterment of the friendship.
My two BFF's and I are totally different! One I've been friends with since we were about 14, the other we've known each other since birth. So it's been interesting to see how each of us have grown up into two different attitudes, mindsets, and have different outlooks on things as a whole. Yet, we are so close to each other. A lot of times we see things totally different (especially because we're not all the same sex), and often disagree. Yet, the friendship is maintained; and though it's frustrating to disagree and bump heads on some things, ultimately, it somehow makes the friendship that much more sturdy. I am often questioned how we became best friends. Certainly, it did not happen overnight! But it's really quite simple actually. It's not so much because we share so much in common...but more so because we understand each other. And we understand each other, because we all put in the necessary effort it took to get to that understanding. Everyone doesn't want to put forth that effort so they remain "surface-level" friends (more below).
What the two of these friendships (and we all as a unit) share in common is not that we like the same things and see everything the same way and always agree. But rather, we each bring different points of views, different attitudes, and experiences that help build a strong friendship. And what I realize I appreciate more than common interests is the fact that someone actually put the effort enough into building a friendship despite all the differences presented at the jump. Now I understand why people advise that the person you look to marry first becomes your best friend. By all means, this doesn't mean be attracted to your best friend. (Some people are not mature enough to separate the two.) A lot of people often look more at how many things you share in common with each other, when the fact still remains that you can share everything in common and still not be good for each other; still not be a good match. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you could not share much of anything in common, but still put forth the effort in building that solid friendship and get along great! To me, it's about effort, definitely great communication, and teamwork.
My best friends looooooove to shop. I love fashion, but I hate shopping (going to the mall & stores in particular). I like shopping online & in magazines. So, many times, we had to learn the hard way about each others' shopping habits/interests. The effort, teamwork, and communication comes from saying, "OK, I know you love this, and you know I hate this...how can we reach a middle ground?" She could engage me by asking me to help her find something she needs or has been looking for, and I could engage myself by agreeing to go because there's something in particular I need and would like her to help me. We kind of intertwine our agendas. Now, some shopping trips she doesn't invite me on and I don't invite her on because we understand that this would be one of those times we would totally clash. I'd be ready to go and she'd wanna stay; or she'd be bored and I'd be satisfied with going to 2 stores to get exactly what I was looking for. ;-)
Anyhow, I said all this to say that I had an epiphany. Maybe this is how marriage works! I don't know. But my conclusion is that if one can not be successful at having and building solid, stable, and growing friendships with others, one cannot possibly be successful at marriage...or it would be a little harder. Some of the same underlying foundations apply. So if you can't get along and get acquainted with folks now, you had better start working on it now if you ever plan on being married...that is, if you plan on staying married for a long length of time! I'm leery about folk who jump in and out of friendships with people and are not stable, or are so quick to depart when things get shaky. I'm also leery about folk who befriend surface-level. To me, a surface-level friendship is not worth much time and effort. For a minute it's fun - meeting and getting to know someone new, but after a while if you find that friendship remains surface, a red flag goes up...even if it's just to let me know don't spend too much time trying to develop this 'cause it's not going anywhere.
Not trying to make this an "Oprah" moment, but I feel it necessary to note that, growing up, I didn't have a lot of friends [violin playing softly in background]. I was verrrrrry shy and stayed to myself a lot. So, I didn't learn early the differenes in friendships and developing bonds and all that. Later on, I began learning all that...through trial and error. And I realize that friendship is an important part of life because it enables you to learn how to get along, grow, maintain, and build with someone. Everything can not always be done by yourself. So maybe, just maybe...we should check our track record. Have I developed a long-lasting successful friendship overtime? If so, could I use these same foundational practices to help sustain a successful marital relationship? And if not, could this mean I may not be able just yet to build a solid and successful marital relationship? Or does any of this even matter or relate? It may not...............................but it does to me.
L8r:
~faithful
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