Glad I didn't quit

Several years ago, I had a job that I absolutely loathed.  Most times it wasn't the job itself that was so bad, but the structure (or lack thereof), the demands on me to fix a mess that wasn't mine or in my capacity to fix, and the verbal abuse I received as a result of it.  Not to mention being pulled in several different directions by many people, and so on and so forth.  As time went on in things didn't seem to get any better - only progressively worse.  I cried a whole lot because I was constantly being told how horrible of a job I was doing.  I began to measure my value as an employee to my self-worth.  Any good I thought could come out of the experience did the exact opposite, or so I thought! 

I was constantly stressed.  My friends noticed a change in my behavior as well.  Everytime I talked to them I was either quiet, always negative and down, or easily hurt by words.  Everything someone did reminded me of this experience I was in the middle of.  What made it worse was that I felt trapped - like I was in a bad marriage that I couldn't get out of.  Sure, I could have gotten a divorce.  But that wasn't an option for me.  You see, in the past that was my first option.  I felt I didn't have to deal with tough situations that weren't working out in my favor.  That was the "rotten" part of me that I hadn't yet bothered to defeat.  I didn't have a problem with walking away from difficult situations.  This time, however, I had something to prove!  I told myself on the hardest of days that I would not quit.  I would not let these people intimidate me or make me run.  And believe me, there were days (two I can remember verbatum) when I went home and thought I wasn't going back the next.  I would pray and cry myself to sleep.  In the morning, I would find strength from somewhere to go back and do it all over again. 

Truly, I can't blame the way I reacted to this situation on anyone, but myself.  I tend to stuff everything in so much so until you can't even tell until it begins to finally seep out because I can't contain it any longer.  Told I wouldn't be successful, told my personal life was affecting my work when in fact it was the other way around, told I didn't have any principles to live by, and more.  I began to believe these thoughts, although in my heart I knew they were false.  I arrived at a point where I didn't care anymore...about anything!  And perhaps that's what I was being judged by...instead of how I got to that point.  When your mind is attacked, that shuts down everything else.  I was in shut down mode.

The reason I'm sharing all this is to really testify to one thing.  I'm glad I didn't quit!  Yes, I felt I was brought so low I didn't care about a lot of things anymore. Yes, I had anxiety attacks.  Yes, I allowed it to defeat me in more than just my professional life.  I even couldn't sleep at night for always dreaming about my job or getting cussed out by my boss.  But I'm glad I didn't quit!  This time I had something to prove.  This wasn't about them.  It was about me.  I had to defeat me!  I had to defeat the quitter in me.  I had to defeat the fear in me.  I had to defeat the shame-facedness in me.  I remember telling myself in the mirror several days that I would not quit, they would have to let me go!  Sometimes I wanted to go back on my word, but I didn't.  And because I was so adament about accomplishing this, I believe God backed me up.  In the midst of it He would give me strength, encouragement, and even towards the end, He began to let me know what was about to happen.  Nothing caught me by surprise attack anymore.  I was fine.  I knew in a matter of time, I would be removed.  It didn't matter to me what else happened, what else they did or said.  Because I had already won the battle within myself.

While I was in the middle of it, I couldn't understand why God allowed me to go through that.  In the beginning I had something totally different in mind.  It's what I would call an innocent mistake that I had to bare through, but more than what [I thought] I was ready to handle.  I didn't even readily understand the meaning of it all afterwards.  Honestly, I was just glad that chapter of my life was finally over.  But now that I'm older and embarking upon greater experiences with different people, professionally and personally, I realize that that experience was very essential to my growth and character development.  Had I not went through that experience, I would have folded in other situations down the line that I now face.  Now, it's not so bad.  Since then, I've seen some of my counterparts go through some of the very same things I went through and they fold.  Since then, I've seen first hand how a difficult atmosphere can surround me and people notice how calm and unaffected I seem by it all.  It amazes me also.  I didn't even recognize what strength had been built in my character until now.  I'm not intimidated by people's opinions of me anymore whether on a personal or professional level.  Because I realize now that, all its doing is developing my character that much greater.  I didn't have the right tools then, but God was equipping me with them throughout that ordeal.  I didn't like it, but I needed it.  I'm glad I didn't quit.

Meanwhile, He blessed me with something much better not to long after...
*this post is not about anyone, but me!  :)

L8r:
~faithful